dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
