its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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