I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
