I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
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Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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