If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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