I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
All the doctor said was why
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
