If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
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