it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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