The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
