2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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