so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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