Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
