I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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