I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
