Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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