you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
