2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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