whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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