Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
