dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
