She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
