nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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