If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
