o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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