Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
