if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
