I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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