if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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