I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he fucked my hip out of place.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
