the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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