he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
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I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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