I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
