I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
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I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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