So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
