Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
