dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
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