whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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