Your dad touched me again.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize