the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
