I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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