yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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