I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just want to make out with him forever
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
