genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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