god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If that was your dad, he is hot
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
