how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
When are your genitals available?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
