The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
