I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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