nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
