i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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