I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's just like the Real World with babies
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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