I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
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i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
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Can you bring me the toilet please
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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