dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize