Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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