I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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