This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
