my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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