Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
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I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
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I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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